que pasa

It is a dreary day today - the kind that is best for quiet contemplation. I might as well get this out of my system since I cannot seem to concentrate on my work.

It has been a quiet week. My thoughts have often returned to something someone said to me before he left. "I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know where I'm going." His experiences have left him in a different place from where he began.

Yesterday, the basis of the discussion with Phil was that my Papa loves me, he knows all and he knows best, and his is the mightiest power to be dealt with in the universe. So, I do not think that we need to know where we are really headed in life, because Papa looks out for us regardless of our life choices. But I cannot help but think about my major decisions, and wonder if I like who I have become.

Our experiences shape us, and they are largely the result of our choices. Yes, there are some that we have absolutely no say in - it just kinda sweeps us up and leaves us in the aftermath - but for the most part, we live out the decisions we have made. Last night, I imagined a scenario that is very likely to happen (kinda like prepping for the real thing), and it did not have a happy ending because of choices I have already made. I do not think I regret them, but I do feel lousy about their effect on other matters.

I compare who I was as a kid, then as a student, a college grad, and now as someone who has been working for almost four years. Some things have stayed the same - the attitude, certain character traits. But I am not who I wanted to be when I was a child: I wanted to be a teacher or a nurse - but I lack the heart, ability and/or gift. When I left college all eager to commence my working life, I thought it would all be so simple, only to realize I was ill-prepared for the real world. Since then, I have winged my way for the most part, with occasional "extractions" (think ALIAS & secret agents shows) by Papa et al. These experiences have changed me - irreversibly, I think.

I do not know where all this rambling is taking me. There is no conclusive point. It is just one of those days.