que pasa

Met up with my friend's mom today. Just found out today that she has not been well for a while now. Well, I guess I kinda knew, but I thought things were going alright.

We had a nice chat. Well, I am not quite sure if we were really chatting, or was it more a case of her speaking at length, then I would say a little, then she would share more, and I would add my two cents and so on. We talked about various subjects, but it broke my heart when she spoke about her relationship with her son (who is my friend). Because I recognized myself in her description of my friend, and as she spoke about her feelings, I knew that is how my mom feels about me. I was absolutely unprepared for this.

I wrote in Like an Onion that it hurts too much to be known and when someone calls us for what we really are. This was it today. She was thinking of her son as she spoke - you could tell, she had that look in her eyes - but I could imagine my mom saying the same about me ... to somebody else. Then I realized how sad it was that our mothers could get along so much better with other people's children than with their own.

I tried to explain to Aunty that this is the way things are. And that when we want to talk, we will initiate. She did not say the exact words but I think she knew that sometimes we just want our mothers to listen, not really a dialogue. Maybe it is because we know that our moms will always be rooting for us, and that even listening to our monologue makes them happy. Because it brings them one step closer to our heartbeat.

They say it is hard to be a mother. They were so right.

For those of you who are close to your moms, you have such a precious gift. It is hard, being on this side of the fence. The ironic thing is that we would rather tell everyone else how much we love our mothers than tell them face to face. Why is it so hard? Is this an Asian phenomenon, or it just my friend and I?

Here are the lyrics of the chorus from "I Love You" by Sarah Mclachlan. It is a love song, not entirely inappropriate for this condition I speak of.

And I forgot
To tell you
I love you
And the night’s
Too long
And cold here
Without you
I grieve in my condition
For I cannot find the strength to say I need you so