que pasa

I’ve found my apartment in Shanghai guys, so I can now take visitors.  It is good to have this part of my life settled.  My apartment isn’t fantastic but it works, and you’re welcome to visit. 

So many things have happened in the past 6 weeks since I’ve moved to Shanghai.  I’ve started work with a new company but still in the same line – an private investment firm that invests in startups.  Between work demands and  expectations and apartment hunting, it has been tiring.  Thank Papa though that one of the easiest, and probably the best, things that have happened to me is finding a church and cell group that I was comfortable with immediately. 

You know I would I have blogged if I could, so this tells you that
a) I’m working much much harder than I did in Chengdu;
b) I have more friends in Shanghai to hang out with and so have less time and energy to blog;
c) So many big and small things happened and I don’t know where to start.  There were mini crises in every other aspect of my life, all of which seemed un-resolvable yet somehow were dealt with.  To list them would seem petty.

I really should get my story down so that you guys know why I moved and what’s been going on, but I just wanted to get something important out first.

I finally admitted to myself and to 3 other people this weekend that I’ve been kinda living in trepidation the past 6 weeks with regards to work.  My limits are being tested rather severely and I’ve been feeling like I’m not cutting it.  It’s not so bad that I’m shaking with fear and anxiety, but I know it’s really been bugging me subconsciously.  I fear that I will not meet expectations and impress my bosses enough for them to want to keep me in this job and that means that I would have made the wrong move.  Worse still, what would that mean for my career?

I’m putting this on my blog because I want you guys to remind that I said it.  I want to get out from under that shadow.  I feel very strongly that Papa pulled me out of Chengdu, and that living in Shanghai is really good for me (particularly in putting me back in a strong Christian environment).  So for however long that I will be here, I want to trust Papa to be in control and that he will grant me favor and the ability to do what I need to do.  I don’t want to feel like my new bosses own me and that I have to push myself so hard to impress them. 

The truth is, I don’t know if what I’m doing now is what I want to be doing for the rest of my life.  I don’t have any long term plans and I’ve always just gone with things.  Contrary to what my work requires, I’m not this mad planner and have all these things that I want to do or achieve in life.  While I have not accumulated wealth, title or possessions, I feel that I have gotten, and still am getting, some seriously good life experience.  I believe that all this experience has purpose for something in the future, although I have no idea what that is. 

So if I ever talk to any of you and I’m really feeling the pressure or behave like I’ve forgotten the stuff I’ve said here, I want you to check me and remind me.  I want to live like I truly believe Papa is really is in charge, that he will make whatever needs to happen, happen.  And that he will make me be, and do, whatever I need to. 

If you believe, please keep praying that for me.  Thanks.