que pasa

It has been a fantastic 2 weeks back home. Was able to catch up with the usual suspects I always want to hang out with when I come back - this was truly time well spent. Also found some long-lost friends - like my primary school friend who found me on facebook by going through profile photos of many many people with the same name (hmm guess I look pretty much like when I was a kid). And of course, I managed to do some shopping too (yes I saved up all my money to spend back here to boost the Singapore economy and yes I did find Ion rather disappointing).

It's been a rather busy 2 weeks too, strangely busy I would say. The intention was to spend more time at home with family (especially now that my bro is overseas studying) so I have deliberately tried to do more dinners at home, yet somehow it doesn't feel like I've achieved that objective because they aren't always able to eat with me. And the days when I have dinners out, it's the days they have dinners at home. I need to get better at this – shall schedule dinners next time so that I go out when they are out too. After all, they have their own plans too.

But I realize I have also been quite "pre-occupied" with fluff i.e. things that don't really matter. It's a bad habit I picked up in Shanghai – this laziness of the mind. Maybe work is tiring so I just want to "switch off" when I go home but I now suspect that has just been an excuse for how I have been idling my evenings away. I spend a lot of time and (for lack of a better word) RAM on things that (in hindsight) haven’t been purposeful. As I write this, I’m thinking that "switching off" doesn’t necessarily mean letting the mind and body idle. Or, why should it be a "switch off" rather than a "switch to (a different mode)"?

For instance, I have certainly been lax in my blogging – that is a symptom of a deeper problem. I used to (and still do) think blogging was challenging because it required effort. I admit now that I’ve been very irregular in my blogging because my mind has been lazy. I do journal but it’s been about fluff! I know it’s fluff because if it were anything meaningful, I’d put it up on here to share.

I have also been lax with my body. I’ve fallen pretty sick 3 times this year (and it’s only October) and my complexion has gone to the dumps because of my poor diet, poor sleeping habits and lack of exercise. I tell people I feel all of 30 years now but that’s entirely my fault.

I have also been lazy with my soul. While I still recognize that the Shanghai spiritual environment has been very good for me, I haven’t been making full use of it. I’m just kinda chilling in the waters, not working out my salvation. I’m not chasing the waves, I’m just waiting too see what debris the waves bring to my feet as I stand pretty far away from the shore. What a waste!

Oh then there’s the same recurring problem with relationship-keeping and building. Wow, could anyone have squandered away more time than I have!?!?

In a blog post in February this year, I said that I feel that Papa gave me 1 more year to revive me. I am embarrassed to say that I have not made good use of the past 8 months. I have 11 more months in Shanghai and I am aware now that I should really get myself in shape, in all aspects of the word. So that I will be ready for wherever I’m supposed to be next. This is me holding myself accountable. Please check in on me from time to time, I might hate it but I will need it. Thanks!