que pasa

My ayi kinda reprimanded a bit today. "Your place needs to be cleaned every week! Too dirty!" This was after not having her come by for a month because I was home for 3 weekends. So she had to work extra hard today. Anyway I agree with her, the apartment is rather dusty despite my efforts to sweep mid-week. But moving forward, so long as I can schedule her to come in every week to clean, my apartment should really be much more manageable for her - cleaning is afterall based on handling incremental changes. I don’t know where all this dust comes from, but there is no dispute that shanghai is VERY DUSTY.

It kinda reminds me of what I'm trying to do, following on from my last post. This one time onslaught of changes I'm implementing might completely overwhelm me if I don’t watch it. I mean, it's easy for me to do start all these things but they aren’t any good if I can’t keep them up. So the key for me is find a way to integrate them into my life so that it's easier to keep the momentum going.

Was talking to Jukebox the other day and we were planing our Fall 2012 Europe tour to 10 countries.  Pretty excited about it because i've never toured Europe before, except for popping in and out of the UK, Holland and Finland for work a bit.  So we were budgetting and talking about saving up and stuff, and how we were going to prepare (like making a friend from every country we wanted to visit), and couchsurfing and stuff. 

Fall 2012 is a long time more though.  But it's the furthest i've planned ever.  I realize that i don't have a mid-term plan or a long-term plan.  It bothers me from time to time that i don't know where i want or hope to be.  I think 4 years ago i was pretty career-minded and wanted to climb up the ladder of success in the 1st company i worked for.  Then i switched career paths and in my present job, there isn't a "ladder" to climb anymore, i do well when the companies I am servicing do.  So there isn't a career goal so to speak.

I've been wondering if it's ok not to have mid or long term plans.  It bugs me sometimes that I don't.  Truth is, i don't know where i will be next September.  All i know is my contract got extended another year so this is where i'll be.  And I know that for now, i am in the right place because Papa has been doing some pretty neat stuff in the past year i've been here, and there's more good stuff to come.  And i think there are some things that i'm meant to do for the year coming up here. 

It's when i think of how i can trust Papa to take care of me that i feel better about not fixing my own plans.  I'm learning that he does have better things in store for me if i would just actually look to him more.  And he is taking care of my family than i could ever do myself.  The key is to actually count on him i guess. 

Had dinner last night with a friend who's leaving in a month's time.  We've only hung out a couple of times but she lives near me and we have somewhat simliar profiles so maybe that helps us click better.

Normally we just chat about work, weekend trips, what we've been up to, random stuff.  But yesterday was different.  We went deeper into topics and shared about our perspectives on work, faith, and future direction.  In telling her about why Shanghai has been a good place for me to be in, I also realized certain changes in how I see things. 

Sometimes it's only when you try and articulate (either verbally or in writing) a summary of your past few months/years of life that you can actually observe changes that have happened.  Just thinking about it doesn't seem to be enough because articulation requires an organization of thoughts and that's what helps you piece things together.  Otherwise you miss it completely and that's such a pity because I think we can be amazed at what we discover. 

Hi, I've not been updating of late because in the past month I've had to do a fair bit of writing at work and I didn't feel up to writing anymore.  But I guess azzamac's comment prompted me out of action.  It's not so much that I'm sick of blogging, just tired. 

So anyway, I turned 30 last month.  Around that time, I realized that I'm actually a very private person, despite my willingness to share and talk about most things.  I mean, I may be willing to enter into discussion, but I don't state my personal position often.

What happened was an old friend wrote to me to express his feelings on a certain matter (hoping I would agree), I actually felt quite the opposite. I realized then that his impression and understanding of me was actually quite incomplete.  Not through his fault though but because I never felt it necessary to share my opinion on some issues.  It was just never part of our friendship.  I box people in categories, so you see only what you need to see/know/understand depending on the nature and level of relationship.

It then made me wonder who really gets to see the whole "me".  I suppose my colleagues see the bulk of my profile because they interact with me the most in terms of absolute number of hours.  They get to see me stressed, happy, sad, confused and so on.  But then as the companies I work for get smaller, and the amount of responsibility or expectation gets higher, I realize that I show part, not all of what I feel.  That is, I may be upset, but my colleagues don't see half of it. 

Then I thought about my church friends here.  I only see them twice a week.  But the truth is, as supposedly "intimate" our fellowship is supposed to be because of our common faith and beliefs, it takes just as much effort as any other relationship to want to open up and say what I really feel.

I thought about my friends and family back home.  Well, they probably know me, though not completely.  I don't tell them everything either.  But our lives are so far apart it's hard to be in-sync all the time.  And with my bad keepin-in-touch skills, and this increasing irregularity in my blogging, it's getting worse. 

I wrote before about being like an onion.  Peeling of layers to find the real me.  Now I think I'm a combination of an onion in a black box with a few eye-holes you can peer through.  Depending on which eye-hole you look through, I present a certain side of myself.  Depending on how big the eye-hole is, you sometimes see more (or less) of me.  And that's only the exterior.  Then depending if that eye-glass is tinted, it makes you see me in a certain light.  It's like those crazy mirrors in the science center which distors what you see depending on their curvature.

It doesn't change how I feel about you though.  I'm actively listening to what you say, but I'm not saying much about myself anymore.   For example, I'm telling you all this stuff, but I didn't actually give you any specifics, see?  And if you're reading this in the first place, it means that I've probably boxed you in a category that lets you look through this eye-hole.

It's not about talking more.  It's about sharing about what matters, it's about being vulnerable.  I think I've associated being vulnerable with being weak.  I'm so used to being "strong" for other people that I end up being "strong" for myself, if you know what I mean. 

Perhaps it's a result of living abroad and living alone.  But something tells me that I've always been like that.  And trying to maintain that "if you've got nothing good to say, don't say it" policy keeps more things inside. 

Then I recall that there's always Papa.  But then it really sucks to be completely exposed.  I can't even hide in the corner and say, that wasn't me.  Or I don't really feel that way.  So I lock him out, I don't talk to him.  But he still sees, he still knows.  He's still chasing after me like that hound from heaven.  Yet somedays, I'm so glad I don't have to "catch him up", he's always been in the know.

Weird eh?

So as I mentioned yesterday, my mom came over to visit last weekend. It was really good to have her around, even better than I expected.

She was really understanding about the fact that I put in long hours to get work done, and even have to work on weekends at home.  To make things more comfortable, she even rearranged my furniture so that I would have a proper place to do my work.  She encouraged me to finish whatever work I had to do over the weekend so that I wouldn't have that sinking feeling come Monday morning.

We also went shopping together - it was the first shopping trip I did since coming to Shanghai - and did some sightseeing in a touristy place so that she could pick up some souvenirs.  Even went grocery shopping to beef up supplies in my apartment so that I would not be lacking food when too hungry or too lazy to go out (especially since it is getting cold).  She made me eat multivites every day - something that I had stopped doing.  She even made 2 homecooked meals with my crockpot and pathetic kitchenware.

But what I really enjoyed was the fact that for the first time I can remember in my life, that being together for such an extended period of time, I didn't have any irritable moods, we had many good laughs and I was able to show her this part of my life that she had never seen before.  Growing up, I was rather spoilt and often had squabbles with her.  I think I've alluded before that it's only being away from home for extended periods of time that helps me to grow.  And the recent years have been especially good for growing me up.

It's a pity it took so long to get to this point.  But I'm glad that we've reached this stage finally. 

I realize that I'm not likely to blog as frequently anymore.  My new job doesn't seem to allow much time or left over energy to blog.  I could ramble but I would prefer to write properly.  Then I also realize that you folks who are still reading this blog (I think I'm back down to 4 readers lol) probably aren't expecting essays anyway.

Remember I mentioned I had a friend in prison before?  I just found out that the last 3 letters I wrote never reached my friend.  Apparently the letters were rejected.  Reasons were not given. Had my friend's dad not emailed me, I would not have known that all this while my friend had heard nothing from me.  Ok fine, so I did use some colored paper, so I did put some teddy bear stickers and so I did write about the sights I saw while traveling in July, and stuff that was happening in Beijing in August and Shanghai in September.  I'm thinking that these could all be reasons why the letters were rejected. So when my mom came over to visit this weekend just past, I scribbled a short note for her to mail when she got home.  It takes me time over a few weeks to write a letter, but I just wanted my friend to know that I really meant to keep in touch.

Which is what made me think about blogging actually.  I figure that I should make effort to post a little bit here and there.  Some news is better than no news isn't it? 

I have to admit I've been so out of keeping in touch (I'm barely keeping up with personal emails) that when I spent some time this evening catching up on my friends' blogs, it struck me that everybody's lives seems to be moving on, except mine.  I seem to be in this warp hole called "work". 

It is getting really cold here in Shanghai and my fingers feel like they're freezing as I type this.  I will write another day about how work has been, since it's pretty much been my whole life since I got here.  I hope you are well. 

Sorry I've been away for so long. I'm insanely busy these days and I have no energy to blog. It's not that I've been journalling much either, sigh.

Attended a training in chinese today for basics in corporate profitability. I never want to take another training class in chinese ever again. My chinese just isn't good enough. For some parts I was ok, but for the harder stuff I had to mentally translate everything the instructor was saying into english and that was just too tiring.

Anyway, I will write the moment I have found a new home in Shanghai. What new home? Shanghai? Yeah, I've been going through some changes and that's why I'm rather unsettled right now. If you pray, please pray that I will find a new home to live in by end of this month. I'm getting worried. Thanks

Today I went out and bought a book to journal in. I haven't kept a journal for almost 4 years I think, so there is no record of what I've really been thinking. There is no real record of my life. I have nothing to use to reflect on the past three and a half years. And I certainly don't remember everything, or even most things. While it means that there is no stirred up guilt from bad things done or things done badly, there is no remembering of joy or thanksgiving from good things that have happened and lessons learnt.

I remember blogging before (probably 3 or 4 years ago) that I decided to stop journaling because I had feared the consequences of it being read by somebody else. I don't think I'd get hauled to jail or anything like that but that invasion of my privacy would completely expose me and leave me vulnerable.

Having said that, why am I starting again? Because I realize it is important for me to remember. My memory is selective and insufficient, I need to keep a journal so that I have something to look back on, a stimulus for reflection. For both good times and bad. Being able to actually read how I go through dark and difficult periods in the past would give me hope for current crises. Writing down thoughts and feelings give time to analyze and review, I think it would cultivate a more thankful spirit and therefore a happier heart.

I don't just want to live, I want to try to live meaningfully. I wake up every morning to go through the day and then night comes and the next day begins. I think that journaling will encourage more thinking and feeling about what I'm doing in my life, people and things that matter to me.

Above all, I want to be able to remember how Papa is always with me. I often forget that in the midst of work, when things get bad. I want to have something to remind me that he has delivered me before, and he will do so again. I want to be reminded how he is moving in my life.

So I have started again. My journal writing isn't as fluent as before, I have become used to keeping my thoughts filed away. But I can feel already that it will get easier. I feel like as a result of some decisions I have made and am trying to execute, Papa has starting to make some bigger gestures. And I look forward to being able to record that journey ahead.

Today the younger son of my host family really struggled to practice his piano. He clearly didn't want to and his mom had to practically threaten him (but I knew with no intention to execute) in order to get him to sit down. And even when he did, boy was it painful to observe and hear.

The little boy reminded me of myself – how torturous I felt when I had to practice. I hated piano when I was learning it and finally I had a fight with my mom in 5th grade about it and insisted that I want to quit. The truth was that I thought the pieces were difficult and uninteresting. There was no enjoyment in playing which led to the vicious cycle of not wanting to practice and the pieces sounding very unspectacular.

Today, the piano still sits in our house. It is only used when guests who know how to play come by – which is a rare occasion. My mom would then say to me, if only you had continued your piano lessons, you might be playing like that now. I would reply with a “Yeah maybe” but I know in my heart that I would never play like that. (I blogged about this previously two years ago I think) My mom gave me the opportunity that she didn't have, I had the ability to play, but I didn't have the interest or the talent for it.

But these few days I've been sitting at the piano trying to work out some hymns. I'm in the mood where I just feel like playing and I know enough to play for myself. This feeling is familiar, and lasts for a few days. I pick songs whose tune I already know - that helps me figure out the notes and rhythm better. But I know this feeling will pass in a while. In fact, I think I can see the end already.

The mood for piano playing comes and goes.

Lately I've been doing some strange things.  I did the dishes at 845am this morning.  I played the piano (albeit rather choppily) yesterday. I've been cutting fruits for my friends' kids.  I've been making a pot of coffee every other morning.  I do laundry and hang the clothes out and bring them in when they are dry.  Went with my friend to buy vegetables.  That is not my normal behavior at home with my parents, not even when I live alone.  I think my mom would be pleased if she found out.

It's almost as if all the ideal behavioral traits that my mom has been trying to cultivate in me when I was a kid surface themselves when it's apparent to me that this place definitely could use the extra hands, legs, eyes and so on.  Right now, I'm staying at my friends' place in Beijing – they have 2 boys.  My friend (the mom) has her hands full with her younger son and she's been very tired lately.  She has part time help but the help only comes in the morning for half a day, every other day.  So this hidden part in me has actually spoken out and expressed its willingness to help wherever possible. 

I have also started to manifest the eldest child traits, which is even stranger because I'm the youngest child in my family.  (But then again, maybe that's just a function of age.) I'm glad though that they boys like me enough to listen to me when I have to ask them to do things.  I "watch" them when the parents are not in the immediate vicinity, not because they need babysitting but just in case.  I make sure the younger boy eats his food when the mom need to do other stuff.  I think the younger boy knows that he can't fool me because I know all the tricks in his book – I was a terrible kid, lol.  I can read some music so I know when he's not playing the piano right.  (Incidentally he's at Grade 3 in piano now, which is where I stopped, so I can kinda play his music pieces.)

I guess what I'm trying to do is to fill in the gaps and not be so much of a burden to my friends who have so kindly let me stay at their home and be part of their family for this time.  I guess it also has something to do with me feeling like I am representing my family when I stay with my friends (who also know my mom) and I want them to know that my parents did bring me up alright. 

But the best part is knowing that I can step up to the plate and help out in tangible ways in the house when required to.  I don't think my folks will ever see this side of me because when I'm at home, I seriously cannot find this part in me that would to lift a finger - I don't know why.  I'm a much better help in other people's homes or even my friends' place than in my own.  It's like an ability that I can only summon when the need is strong enough, sigh.